Or drink so little coffee.
I didn’t expect to discover that of the beers I sampled at Wasatch Brewery, the jalapeno one was my favorite.
(I did expect that diet soda would still be my drink of choice. ;))
I didn’t expect to admit that not only am I now apparently a bread person, I might also be a (goat) cheese person, too.*
I definitely didn’t expect to STILL be sore four days following GPP workouts after which I thought, “Man, I didn’t even sweat,” and couldn’t even push myself as hard as Neil encouraged.
And when I was packing my bag to go, I certainly didn’t expect that the shoes I’ve worn in Mexico, Costa Rica, and hiking in the Adirondacks* wouldn’t be coming home with me.
*Which apparently is “all over the world,” according to hyperbolic me.
I also didn’t expect to take so few pictures.
But what I REALLY didn’t expect was to be hiking on the top of the mountain with a couple of people I’ve known for a year, and a couple who I’d known for only a day, and have one of them say to me the words that suddenly provided clarity and insight into issues I’ve been mulling over for months:
“If food and fitness is all you felt like you had,
You see, I’ve been getting really frustrated with myself.
I’ve been frustrated that calorie counting became an obsession. That eating wasn’t easy any more.
I’ve been frustrated that for a long time I lacked creativity and interest in cooking.
(Without Meatless Mondays A-Z, there were some weeks I probably wouldn’t have even turned on the oven.)
I’ve been frustrated that where running was such a joy, it has suddenly become something I feel like I need to do, have to do, and am scared NOT to do. Comments of encouragement–“You look great!” “How far did you go today?” “Your stride is so easy and beautiful!” “I can’t believe you can go so far!”--have turned into pressure.
And I have been wondering:
What happened to me?
Just before I left for Blend, another blogger found–and posted about–my “Loser Like Me” post, where I listed all the ways in which I had pretty much failed in the healthy living blog world. As I was reminded of this post, and reread it, I couldn’t help but feel a little nostalgic for the girl who had written it.
When did the lack of pressure on myself to ‘fit in’ or to do what ‘everyone’ said was right disappear?
When did I lose my sense of balance?*
*Goshdarnit, the balance beam was the only thing in gymnastics I was good at.
When did I let healthy living take over my life?
Despite being frustrated and self-aware, I wasn’t necessarily getting any better, more balanced, or more kind to, well, me.
Then I went to Blend.
I was surrounded by many women who inspire me in their levels of fitness, and their knowledge of health and wellness…
…and, most importantly, balance.
Of course I let food and fitness take over.
Because I felt like I had nothing else.
Back in the fall, I was probably bordering on depression.
I was uncertain about my job. I was bored. I was lonely. I lost my desire to blog.
The confident girl I knew was slipping away, and I didn’t know where she went.
Although I started seeing a counselor, and working to try and make changes to get me out of the mud I was stuck in, I was still missing. I was playing hide-and-seek, and I hid really well.
So, when I heard those words on the mountain–“If you only have food and fitness, then of course it became a fixation.“–suddenly I realized that as I felt unhappy with the other parts of my life, I could immerse myself in counting my calories, spending hours alone making Nutty Butter on the weekends, and running as far as possible—occasionally just to avoid the fact that I didn’t have anything else to do–and not worry about what might be lacking everywhere else.
But I need to bring the balance back.
The confidence back.
The ME back.
Blend was like a reset button.
Ironically, the first comment on my first postabout Blend 2013 was from my Blog Mama, Tricia, who said, “It’s good to see you again.” And although she meant–I think–actual pictures of me, in a way, she was right.
There. I. Was.
And it IS good to see me again.