Why I’m Still Single

by Sarah on July 23, 2011 · 15 comments

Things NOT to Do on a First Date:

1. Talk about how you once ate a pig’s brain and that you’d probably be willing to eat other animal’s brains. Except for maybe a goat’s, because your new goal in life is to own a miniature goat and keep it like a puppy.
2. Talk about how much you love baby goats.
3. Upon discovering that your date once drove through Iowa, reveal your long-held desire to visit the Iowa State Fair, simply because your favorite musical of all time is State Fair. [Make sure to specify that you mean the stage version, NOT the film.] Reveal that once you drove 15 miles into Oklahoma, just so you could sing “Oklahoma!” and that you wish your life were like High School Musical. [Not Glee. High School Musical.]
4. If time permits, sing a song from the musical.
5. Declare that you cannot live without coffee, yogurt, and ice cream; learn that your date can’t drink coffee and is lactose intolerant.
6. Mutter something about really needing a man who can grill. Look up and ask, “Do you grill?” to which the response will most likely be “No.”
7. Never remove your foot from your mouth.
8. Ask if your date knows what pimiento cheese is and/or eats sweet potatoes, and seriously judge his worth based on the response.
9. Talk about how much you love Adam Richman and that in the end, your stepmom and sister have started a campaign to get the two of you married, so this whole “dating thing” is really unnecessary.

10. Lick the plate. Literally.