Remember that time Blogger was down for 24 hours and it was like we’d reached blog-gedon, with nerves skyrocketing as people wondered if they’d ever be able to post or comment again? And somehow, even though I was “working” I managed to check every 10 minutes to see if I was still going to see the horrid “Blogger service is temporarily unavailable” message? And THEN my Chai Nut (Tea) Butter post vanished into the abyss of the underworld (also known as Internet blog-atory) and I had to rewrite it? [No, Meri, you weren’t crazy. You did read that post. You did comment.]
Anyways, I was so focused on getting the word out about Stamp Out Hunger that I neglected to inform you that my lovely work was up as s a guest post for one of my favorite bloggers, Eden [not like ‘The Garden of’] over at Eden’s Eats.
I’m not sure how we found each other in this crazy land of blogging, but it certainly was destiny.
I’m re-posting it here because 1) many of y’all don’t have twitter and wouldn’t have known to check her blog on Friday to read my wise words of snarkiness (with a smile)…2) y’all might not read her blog, which is a travesty in itself and you should—so now you will^…and 2) I’m lazy and I was not struck with genius for today’s blog post [slash] uploading pictures is taking forever.
^I know you do, Susan..and way to embrace loserdom! 😉
Also, I’m awesome. And this much awesome needs to be posted as many times as possible.*
Howdy y’all! Greetings from the happy place* we call Austin, Texas…home to endless food trailers and Tex-Mex cantinas, an inordinate number of both hipsters and cowboys, the mecca that is Whole Foods and farmers’ markets of all sizes…but most importantly, me and my blog, The Smart Kitchen.
*That does not exist only in my mind, and does not require hallucinogenics to get there.
I’m super excited to be able to do a guest post on Eden’s blog…because I’m sort of obsessed with it. I feel like being called up to the big leagues of blog losers and being allowed to fill in for its star.
Are you insulting the person who’s letting you post on her beloved blog?
Yes,yes I am. And I know she doesn’t care, because she pushed publish.
[Loser qualities #564-566? I am a Gleek. And I love Gossip Girl. And once did a whole post that was just a picture of Zac Efron. What now?]
And, so you don’t get confused, I’m sticking with Eden’s style (and one I utilize on many occasions): the almighty list. Oooooh, let’s call it the LOSER LIST! [And yes, I just did a little happy dance, complete with hand claps and squeals at the thought of alliterating the list.]
Do happy dances, complete with hand claps and squeals at the thought of being able to alliterate a list (or blog post title, or recipe…or anything really). Basically, do a lot of happy dances.
Don’t buy organic. Dude, who has the money? My dad is a biochemist who studies pesticides and HE doesn’t even buy organic. So, well, what’s the point? Also, don’t worry about buying local. Damn the man (save the Empire!) who tries to tell you that you shouldn’t want to eat pineapple or watermelon even if you live in, say, North Dakota. [And if you live in Texas, you can make the case that Mexico IS local.]
Don’t wash your grapes. Equate ‘rinsing’ with washing. Don’t worry too much about germs. Or expiration dates.
Eat the same thing every day. You’ll never escape loserdom if you do this. No one wants to see three thousand shots of the same salad (with alternating proteins) packed in your Tup-faux-ware container that you take with you to work five days of the week. And seriously? Cottage cheese and hummus are NOT all that attractive.Go to work. Seriously…you will always be a loser in the blog world if you dedicate your life to anything else. [I just got laid off…so I’m thinking blog stardom isn’t far behind!]
Have only one set of dishware and no fun-and-fancy placemats. I pretty much photograph my food on the same few plates and in the same few bowls. I’m not made of money.
Eat unbalanced meals. I mean, if you’re going to buy three $1.99 watermelons in one week and make Chai Nut (Tea) Butter, clearly “dinner” that night is going to involve half of a watermelon and three-to-twenty spoonfuls of nut butter.Eat meat. And like it. [Seriously, there is nothing that will outcast you more than piping into a conversation with the phrase, “So the night when I ate pig brain…” or “I really only like to eat hamburger buns if the meat juice has really soaked into it.”]
Give up oatmeal. [Six months where the closet thing to oatmeal I’ve had was oat flour in a sponge cake recipe…I’m destined for failure in this world.]
Don’t drink green monsters. You’ll never fit in if you can’t talk about how great drinking your breakfast is. [Only losers think you have to chew to be satisfied.]
Speaking of drinking…Drink. Coffee! Diet Coke! Fizzy water! Or–gasp!–tequila…*
*But only if you are over 21 years of age.
Care very little about “being green.” It might be my favorite color, but aside from recycling, I have no interest in composting or making my own kitchen cleaners from all-natural ingredients. In fact, I have no real interest in even cleaning the kitchen in the first place.
Hate running. Or, at the very least, don’t understand how people can run so much and for so long.* Go to the gym and do the same routine every day and week. Consider going home if you forget your new issue of US Weekly or the TVs are broken and you can’t watch The Real Housewives.
*To my dear marathon-running friends: I applaud your dedication. It just makes me an outcast.
Eat processed, packaged foods. I believe Cool Whip and Lucky Charms are real foods. Real good..Love Adam Richman and Michael Pollan in equal amounts. Yes, I have a huge crush on a man who gorges himself on fried, greasy, would-make-me-ill food for a living. I don’t care what you say…I want to eat everywhere he has, and I associate cities with restaurants in which he has eaten. I also believe wholeheartedly in Michael Pollan‘s mantra of “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” Hey, you can’t be an emo-loser without some internal struggle between good and evil, right?
Don’t have too many deep thoughts. Aside from my occasional soapbox post about school lunches and childhood nutrition, I really don’t blog about anything too serious. The most you can ever hope to learn from me is what a persimmon is, or how to cut a pineapple. [Even then, I suggest wearing the fronds as a hat…so I’m not sure how enlightening that really is.] If you never take a stand lambasting anyone and everyone who opens a bag of potato chips or occasionally eats fast food, you’ll never be a blog star.
Be a flagrant self-promoter. I use my blog as an excuse to do ridiculous things and take awkward pictures of myself. I’ve never stood up in a restaurant and screamed “I AM A FOOD BLOGGER! BRING ME FREE DESSERT!” but my book light and tendency to stand up in between tables to get just the right angle pretty much screams, “Look at me!” I love to drop my business card. No high-and-mighty, “I’m doing this just for fun” outlooks here. It IS fun to blog. But it’s also fun to get free food. And go to free blogger dinners and parties.
Don’t read “popular” blogs. I’ve met many of the more ‘famous’ bloggers, and some of them I even developed legit friendships with. But I don’t regularly read their blogs. I like to stick with my people…the losers like me.